Thursday, February 16, 2006

My Worst Nightmare

My old roommate used to work on a Broadway show and once told me the story of a dancer who put her foot into a slipper, only to find a cockroach was there first. After hearing that story, I took to shaking my shoes before putting them on -- especially if I hadn't worn them in a while. But that was years ago, and I'm in a bigger hurry these days, so shaking my shoes is not something I do as often. Until today, anyway.

This morning, while rushing around my room trying to decide what I was going to wear (it's tricky when there's snow everywhere, puddles on every corner and it's so warm I don't need a coat), I slid my (thankfully socked) foot into my cowboy boot. As soon as I was almost snuggly in there, I felt something crunch at the end of my toes. Not thinking anything of it, I stuck my hand in there. As soon as I did, I wished I wouldn't have. I knew what was in there.

I shook my boot and a leg -- which very obviously belonged to a very large cockroach -- fell out on the carpet. I tried not to freak, because it was dead. But really, dead or alive, they're all the same to me: disgusting, scary creatures of hell (remind me someday to tell you the story of the cockroach that tried to kill me).

There was no one around to help me -- and you know, I Am Woman, or some bullshit --so I shook my boot with all my might and the carcass of the Creature of Hell fell to the carpet. I wrapped my hand in toilet paper about 20 times over, picked him up and flushed him to the underbelly of New York, where he -- and all of his kind -- belong.

Did I wear the boot? What do you think?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Doggy Style

One great thing about being home sick is that I get to look at Craigslist Missed Connections all day. It really is my favorite pastime. I just came across this one that I couldn't resist sharing with you all:
I have been feeling this feeling of letting a dog hump me. I know it sound ridiculous but i want to try it please email me if you have a dog that is well trained and clean. Looking to do this tonight or tomorrow. [Fulfil My Dog Fantasy]
I'm tempted to email him/her to find out exactly where he/she wants to be humped by this dog. But I won't...I don't think.

UPDATE: I sent this email: "So you want your leg humped or what?" Waiting to hear back. Will keep you updated.

Home Sick


Being home sick sucks. Because I'm really sick. Every time I try to get out of bed my head throbs and my nose feels as if I've just jumped into a pool with way too much chlorine -- that burning sensation, you know? I can feel things moving around in my head...

Sick days are overrated, if one is really sick. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have them (I think I have 12 a year), but I wish that I was one of those people who didn't feel guilty calling in when in perfect health to frolic in the park or something. What I wouldn't give to have the energy to frolic in the park right now.

Monday, February 06, 2006

eefers PSA: Don't Drink and Text

Last night after the Super Bowl, Chris and I rushed back to his place so I could watch Grey's Anatomy (I'll admit, I'm obsessed). Chris was in the living room watching TV and I was in his room watching my show. I was -- as is to be expected after a good Super Bowl party -- a little sloppy, and thought it would be fun to send Chris a rather raunchy text message from the next room. And so I did. A few minutes later I got this message:
"Your message was addressed to a landline # 816-796-####. 4 a limited time send msgs to a landline using Sprint's Text to Landline Service! Std rates apply."
What?! I’d accidentally sent the message to my mom! And Sprint was going to make sure she got the message? Assholes! I'd accidentally sent text messages to landlines before and figured they disappeared into the cell-o-sphere. That's the way it should be.

Never the alarmist, I figured if I'd wanted to take advantage of the Text to Landline Service, I'd have to take another step, like...I don't know...signing up for it!

I sent the message to the intended recipient (Chris) and went back to watching Grey's Anatomy. Then, I received this:
"Your message was successfully delivered to an answering machine or voicemail at 816-796-####. Thanks for using Text to Landline!"
Yeah...